People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.