By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…