Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
*pronounces carrot like tarot*