Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’