NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
A double negative is a big no-no.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
A French press is when you hug naked
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?