Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.