If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.