*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.