I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My new favorite headline
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.