Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else