If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
🌱🌱🌱
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
cry laughing at this shit
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.