Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
BETRAYAL
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
termite twitter scares me