Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
the simulation is moving too fast
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.