Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*puts words between two asterisks*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.