in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*