Meanwhile in Canada…
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.