The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You Might Also Like
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.