I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!