You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Passwords are more important than ever.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.