If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?