Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Just a phase…
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
dam girl
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?