Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.