My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues