Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Sell your car
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Scream sneezers need love too.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs