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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie