I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
You Might Also Like
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
As the Lord intended
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.