When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Fries, not lies.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Donkey Kong sommelier
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.