Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m not stressed
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.