[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
uncle dave has been through hell
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.