I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
no their not
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.