I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.