My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
me irl
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day