playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now