Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Natural selection at its finest
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*