Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
No, I don’t think I will.
Free him
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