My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>