Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
This is a whole mood;
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime