Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]