Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.