Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’d … I’d rather not.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours