Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective