*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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Cannot stop laughing at this
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep