When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
🙄😏😂🤣
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My love language is hissing.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.