I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms