oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
man: wait
time: no
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.