It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.