Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
You Might Also Like
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Hitlers gonna hitl
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.