ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You Might Also Like
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”