I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.