thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.